Shame is rarely announced. It is more often hidden.

 

 

Some thoughts about shame.

Shame is something we all know, it is a normal human emotion, but one few of us talk about.

Shame can be a useful and important emotion, one evoked in response to other people, and that if experienced through sympathy and compassion, is part of empathy. In that way it can be experienced by other people as kindness, an important attitude that helps build relationships and connections.

But shame also has a shadow, one that can appear if we think others are reacting to us negatively. This type of shame can make us feel there’s something wrong with us, a negative self-perception or self-persecutor that is sometimes called an ‘internal critic’. This kind of shame can feel toxic and poisonous, a horrible emotional experience that is often hidden away and if unattended can lead to or create many personal problems

So, while we may talk openly about stress, anxiety, confidence or burnout, shame in general tends to remain far beneath the surface. And toxic shame in particular might be hidden away out of a fear that others will think there is something wrong with us.

 

Let’s do some unpacking.

The distinction between shame and guilt is important.

Guilt can make us feel or tell us, ‘We have done something wrong’ and motivate us to repair, apologise or try to do things differently. Guilt in this way can be equally toxic, punishing and unsettling.

Shame is more personal and part of the relationship we have with ourselves. As a result shame can turn “I made a mistake” into “I am a failure”, or “I don’t know the answer” and “I am not good enough.”

And because work involves so much evaluation, comparison and judgement, it provides fertile ground for shame.

At work we are assessed on our performance, given feedback, compared with colleagues, promoted, overlooked and sometimes criticised. We want to be seen as competent, capable, reliable and valuable. Most of us want to belong and feel we have a place within the organisation or group. When something threatens that sense of ourselves, the emotional response can be much greater than the event itself might suggest.

Examples might be found in the person who repeatedly checks their work because they cannot bear the possibility of getting something wrong.

Or the manager who finds it almost impossible to delegate because someone else might think they are incompetent.

Perhaps there is an employee who rarely asks questions because they believe they should already know the answer, or someone who becomes defensive whenever their work is challenged.

From the outside, these behaviours might look like perfectionism, hard work, arrogance, poor confidence or defensiveness. But sometimes they can be attempts to protect against something more vulnerable: the fear of being exposed as inadequate.

 

 

The difficulties with shame. It doesn’t always look like shame.

Sometimes shame can look like withdrawal. Sometimes it looks like anger. Sometimes it looks like perfectionism or excessive control. Sometimes it looks like an insistence on being right. And sometimes it can even look like extraordinary confidence.

If being uncertain feels intolerable, certainty can become a protective defence mechanism. A shield or mask and ff making a mistake feels humiliating, this becomes a way of preventing exposure.

The behaviour is visible, but the shame beneath may not be.

 

The fear of being seen

Perhaps this is what makes shame particularly powerful. It is fundamentally connected with how we imagine ourselves being seen by other people.

We don’t simply experience ourselves; we experience ourselves in relation to others or the way we think they see us.

At work, this can become particularly intense. We want our colleagues to think we are competent and our managers to have confidence in us. We want to be respected by the people we lead. We want to feel comfortable and that we belong.

So, when something threatens the image, we have created, we may experience more than disappointment.

• A failed presentation can become evidence that we aren’t as capable as people thought.
• A missed promotion can become evidence that we aren’t valued.
• A mistake in front of colleagues can feel like exposure.

Critical feedback can be heard not as “there is something I need to improve”, but as “they have discovered something about me that I don’t want them to see.”

The result can be a powerful desire to hide.

We might avoid the conversation, work harder, become defensive or simply say, “I’m fine.”

And this is where shame can remain invisible in organisations. Someone can continue to perform, meet deadlines and appear completely functional while privately experiencing considerable distress.

 

 

What happens when we believe we should be different?

Shame is often linked to the idea of the person we believe we should be. The internal critique often has unrealistically and unachievably high standards, when telling us:

• We should be more successful.
• We should be more confident.
• We should be able to cope.
• We should know the answer.
• We shouldn’t need help.
• We shouldn’t have made that mistake.

The greater the gap between how we believe we should be and how we actually experience ourselves, the more painful the shame can feel.

For some people, achievement becomes one way of closing that gap. It might temporarily work but as I’ve seen so many clients in my private practise who live with crippling shame and resultingly a terrible sense of worthlessness, I do not believe this fantasy to be the cure. From my work, I’ve often heard narratives based around these fantasies,

“If I work harder, achieve more and perform better, perhaps I can feel that I am good enough.”

But this is rarely true and can become a difficult cycle to live within. Achievement provides temporary reassurance, but the underlying doubt remains. Another target appears. Another comparison. Another opportunity to prove ourselves.

So, the high performer may consciously feel they are working towards professional success, unconsciously they may working this hard as a way of avoiding a dreadful sense of inadequacy.

 

The workplace can reinforce shame without intending to

Organisations don’t create shame themselves, they are filled with people, each with their own histories, experiences and vulnerabilities.

But workplace cultures can absolutely effect, intensify or soften the experience.

Consider the difference between an environment where mistakes are treated as part of learning alongside one where mistakes are associated with incompetence. Consider a culture where asking for help is regarded as sensible and collaborative compared with one where people feel they are expected to cope alone.

The messages from the top don’t always need to be explicit, but workers feel the effect of a compassionate, kind and thoughtful company philosophy.

 

 

Looking Beneath

For me, this is why it is useful to become curious about behaviour rather than judging it.

The employee who cannot delegate may not simply have a control problem.

The person who reacts strongly to criticism may not simply be difficult.

The high achiever who cannot stop may not simply need better work-life balance.

And the quiet employee may not simply be disengaged.

Sometimes behaviour is protecting something that feels difficult to expose.

This doesn’t mean excusing behaviour that causes problems for others. Understanding is not the same as condoning.

But if we can become curious about what might sit beneath the behaviour, we may be able to respond differently.

 

A psychologically healthy workplace isn’t one in which nobody makes mistakes, feels shame or experiences inadequacy. Nor is it one in which difficult behaviour is never challenged.

Perhaps it is one where challenge does not automatically become humiliation.

Where a manager can communicate:

“This wasn’t good enough.”

without communicating:

“You aren’t good enough.”

Where an employee can say:

“I got this wrong.”

without experiencing:

“There is something wrong with me.”

And perhaps this is where empathy, compassion and psychologically thoughtful leadership become so important.

Because shame encourages us to hide precisely when we may most need to experience something different:

being seen, understood and remaining accepted despite our imperfections.

 

A question to leave you with

The next time someone at work becomes unusually defensive, controlling, perfectionistic or quiet, perhaps rather than asking only:

“Why are they behaving like this?”

we might also wonder:

“What might they be protecting themselves from feeling?”

Because shame is rarely announced.

It is more often hidden.

What Lies Beneath.