The Absent Client is an extract from a session where the client did not appear. This was not an uncommon event and although at the time I was unaware, it became a powerful part of the therapeutic work. On this day as I waited for the client inexpected thoughts and images entered my head. They were so powerful, that after the session I wrote them down. I have asked myself why I wanted to write this down. I think it is because it occurred to me that clients might not imagine their therapist thinks about them when they are missing or not there. For me, the opposite it true.

They are absent again, and in their absence, I think about how – when I am absent (like between sessions) – they seem to  forget about themself. As important. In sessions they focus so entirely on the external world and other people that their own needs, wishes and desires almost do not exist. I imagine today they have forgotten about me, like they were forgotten about in childhood. I notice the power of this sad thought and wonder if they imagine that I don’t care. And although they are yet to make the links that when I’m absent they binge eat, feel very unwell and stop sleeping, these thoughts are clear to me.  This thought is congruous to other sessions where such projections have appeared.

Today, my presence seems invisible, that I am here waiting for them, to try and help, to listen and take care of them. But maybe they don’t think i can help or take care and that I can’t be here to help. Maybe that makes me someone or something to be avoided. Suddenly I had a jarring thought about a red fox and he is trying to get into a chicken coup, and as he does he sends the chickens crazy and into a frenzied panic. Can this be true, that instead of seeing me as a safe object – a coup which the fox can’t enter – that they imagine me to be dangerous?

Today, I made a decision not to message and remind them about the session.  This communication has been a recent development where, in order to help, I text before or during the session. When i do they nearly always respond by turning up. But then is my text helpful or not? Does that make me the chicken or the fox? Today, for some reason I didn’t text and am not immediately sure why. My decision didn’t feel retaliatory but I do wonder about my decision and ask “Am I being cruel, or am I encouraging a healthy movement towards autonomy and maturity?”

Soon afterwards they appeared and spoke about anxiety at having to leave their own staff alone in order to be in the session. Writing this afterwards brought anxiety to my mind.